Shulk, the Phantom Underwear Model, Who is also a Thief, Strikes Once
by metrosubwayandroid
Summary: The Kingdom of Xenoblade is in peril! The phantom thief, Shulk, has been stealing away the country's federal reserves to sate his own greed. The Royal Family has been desperately looking for a way to stop the criminal, but to no avail. In their final hours, help must be found from the most unlikely of sources...


Shulk, the Phantom Underwear Model, Who is also a Thief, Strikes Once More

by: an anonymous poet

The chubby ball-shaped guy stared with intrigue at the sign on the wall. He was much too short to observe it at eye-level, though, so it looked kinda weird. But nevertheless, there it was. "WANTED: SHULK, DEAD OR ALIVE REWARD: HIS COOL SWORD WITH THE HOLE IN IT" The chubby ball-shaped guy was also a bounty hunter, so he was intently interested. He could sell that sword to an otaku for tens of thousands of dollars.

"You really think you can catch that phantom thief? The royal family's been searching for years. I don't care if they're getting desperate enough to ask for bounty hunters, they'll never get him," said Hulk Hogan.

The chubby ball-shaped guy replied, "Do you really think so? At this rate, Shulk will steal all of the country's money and have enough to start his own country. A THIEF country!"

"There's no way. He even leaves an extra pair of undergarments at each crime scene just to taunt his victims." The chubby ball-shaped guy pondered on these words. He pondered for three minutes and twenty-eight seconds until he had an idea.

The chubby ball-shaped guy went to the police office. When the police tried to stop him, he threw out his Pokéball and asked Darkrai to use Dark Void. Darkrai said "Darkrai Darkrai", which probably meant something like "okay." As the police were asleep, the chubby-shaped ball guy looked through the evidence files and took out one of the undergarments that Shulk left behind. Assuming that the garment must have touched Shulk's flesh at some point, the chubby-shaped ball guy pulled out his sci-fi DNA scanner device that he received from his pen pal from the future. The scanner scanned the trace amounts of DNA on the undergarment and indicated that Shulk was currently at the local GameStop.

The chubby-shaped ball guy mounted his motorcycle that was given to him as a birthday gift from the members of the bounty hunter union. He zoomed and he zoomed until he was at the front doors of the local GameStop. He was there! Shulk, the underwear model-turned-thief! "Oh no! You have caught me!" Shulk was just about to steal the last Villager amiibo from the shelf, but the chubby ball guy-shape stopped him! He was about to run Shulk over with the motorcycle and kill him, but Shulk used his cool sword to slice it up into a million pieces! "Heh heh heh, do you like my sword, the exalted Xenoblade? It's really cool, and can slice things even if they're not vegetables! It has an intense xenophobia for anything that isn't a sword! That's how it got its name, heh heh heh heh." It seemed hopeless, but then- CRRRRAAAAAAASSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It was Spider-Man(and not the bandicoot)! He came in, swinging through the window with his web-shooters. "Stop, evil-doer!" Spider-Man pointed his hand at Shulk, and then grabbed a Pokéball from his belt and asked Darkrai to use Dark Void. Darkrai said "Darkrai Darkrai", which probably meant something like "Okay." Shulk fell asleep and dropped his sword. Spider-Man picked up the sword, pulled out his copy of the High School Musical 2 soundtrack, and placed it into the sword's CD-player. As Spider-Man whistled to the sweet tunes of his favorite song, "Bet on It", he said, "I have seen your hard work, faithful citizen. You have pursued this criminal, even when others claimed such an act to be impossible. Such an act should not go unrewarded. I will allow you to turn this criminal in and accept the reward. I have no use for it. I'm a famous comic book character."

The chubby ball-shaped guy sold the sword to an otaku for $80,984.86 USD. The bounty hunter was jailed for three years because he stole from the police office, but his children lived comfortably knowing that their financial troubles would be alleviated for quite a while. The Royal Family wasn't able to find the money Shulk stole, but they managed to avoid raising taxes by selling the local GameStop's only Villager amiibo online.

The end


End file.
